Divorce Mediator recommendations, hooray

[smartass_kid]

I'm OK and thanks for your thoughts.

Wife and I are getting a divorce, we have been unhappy for a few years and were trying to keep it together but she has decided she wants to end it. We are both 100% full-love type of people and why would you dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with you? Planning to keep it civil as possible to make it smooth for our son and not use lawyers since it will get costly and nasty.

She is moving into some friend's house from our church at the end of the week and i will stay/keep the house. She is taking her car (almost paid off), house in TN that her mother lives in and will likely pay for the divorce since i am keeping the credit card with a high balance.

We would like to keep it in the sandy/murray area so we are not running around the county trying to get this settled.

Any recommendations? We are not LDS since I'm not sure if there are church appointed mediator?

 

[TurboMinivan]

As someone who is going through a divorce at this exact time--we are meeting with a mediator (and our attorneys) on Wednesday morning--I can offer a few insights.

If you are both amicable and want a peaceful split, you don't need to hire attorneys. You can simply choose a mediator, meet with them, and have them file your paperwork for you. While the mediator's job is to guide you through creating a "fair and equitable" split of your property (which, legally, does not necessarily mean equal), at the end of the day if the split is something you both agree to then it will pretty much be fine with the judge (unless it is grossly lop-sided). So the more willing you both are to sit down and hash it all out now, before you even talk to a mediator, the better off you'll be.

 

[TurboMinivan]

(Sorry--I had to stop and take care of a work issue.)

We tried it this way last year, and we chose William Downes, Jr. His office is way up in SLC, but he was a pleasant man and made everything very smooth. However, at the last minute my wife called it off; she wanted to try working though some issues. A year later, here we are again. This time around, she decided to get an attorney so I followed suit. I would have been happy to work with William again. Somehow, another mediator was selected but since I haven't met with her yet I cannot give my impressions about her.

BTW: mediators are required to remain completely neutral throughout the process. They are forbidden from giving any legal advice to either party.

 

[jeeper]

First off, I am very sorry for both of you. The sadness and struggles that lead up to divorce are painful. As a precursor,. I have put a lot of time and effort into understanding relationships and how they function. I have more than an average understanding of the workings of proper relationships. I want to share a few thoughts.
First off, divorce is not going to solve any problems. You will only be trading current problems for different problems. Often, the new problems are more difficult than the current problems. You will also have a lifetime of psychological issues that will need to be resolved before any future relationship will be successful.

I fully believe in exhausting EVERY other option before divorce (unless there is abuse, which doesn't seem to be your problem)
If you have simply fallen out of love, huge efforts should be made to resolve the current issues. A GOOD family counceler that specializes in the Gottman Method can work miracles for a poor relationship.

I know you're not asking for relationship advice, but I still wanted to share. No matter how you guys proceed, good counseling is a must, for parents and children. Our brains store information in the weirdest ways, and if it is not correctly stored a lifetime of issues will follow.

 

[Bart]

Wow, so sorry to hear this from both of you. It's a gut punch and no matter how fair you try to make it, both sides will feel cheated. This coming from a 2 time divorcee. Luckily the 3rd time was a charm and we are going on 28 years now. Good luck, this too shall pass.

 

[Gravy]

Best of luck to you. Having been down that road once I can tell you it hurts, but if you're both amicable it wouldn't be the worst idea to look into counseling if nothing else than for your kid's sake.

Also going back to dating and being single is difficult and especially for kids heart breaking.

Godspeed in whatever route you take.

 

[TurboMinivan]

In my case, I am fortunate: no children are involved. I remember when my dad left my mom when I was only 7 years old, and it was devastating. I would never want to do that to my (or any) child.

As for my soon-to-be-ex wife, we tried counseling. A lot. I was committed 'for better or worse' and I was going to stick through it to make it work. However, all those visits made one thing perfectly clear: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force 'em to be happy. No one person can maintain a proper relationship by their self.

Now I just want this to be over so I can move forward with my life.

 

[smartass_kid]

figured i might update, we decided to go with common grounds divorce mediator in sandy. he has good reviews and years of experience. we checked with a few other recommendations we got but they were mostly lawyers who dealt with other issues, but COULD handle your marriage mediation for you. they were also likely mediator for all types is legal issues, not just divorces. and all divorces need a mediator by law anyway even with lawyers for each spouse; they usually use a third party lawyer to review paperwork.

a big selling point was the 90 days waiting period waiver. You have to wait 90 days between filing and legal finalization; most lawyers like this so that something can come up during that time period that will requires more billable hours (my thoughts, not his but he did confirm it is mostly true.) he has a 96% success rate for getting it waived in our district. he also observed us for a minute to see how we acted in the waiting room and studied our body language and tone towards each other while doing the initial consultation. he has a billable per hour rate and a flat rate and has no problem with getting an outside lawyer to review after a rough draft is created.

with that said, most divorces are civil wars with a spouse trying to punish and **** over the other spouse for revenge for previous acts and/or monetary gain. Once lawyers are triggered they push you towards their in-house mediators and "get you what you deserve"; remember "liar liar " with jim Carrey? lol

any other questions feel free to ask and i will update this again once we meet and start doing the heavy lifting

 

[smartass_kid]

final update, then you can read my dating thread lol

it has gone the best i could of hoped for; i got and protected everything i wanted, judge waived the 90 days last friday and we are just waiting for him to sign the actual divorce decree to make it official. if we had gotten our final revisions ready sooner we could have filed sooner but we dragged our feet for a week trying to clarify some things.

we had one meeting after the initial consultation where we hashed out the issues and came to agreements about everything. I had to play asshole once when it came to my 401K but was able to keep it all.

If you and your spouse are civil and want to get divorced as easily as possible and fairly as possible i strongly recommend common grounds.

 

[RogueJeepr]

That's what scares me most about the M word. Probably why I've put it off for 15yrs.

Sent from my H1611 using Tapatalk

 

[jeeper]

That's what scares me most about the M word. Probably why I've put it off for 15yrs.

Sent from my H1611 using Tapatalk

It's a fact that 100% of divorces are started by marriage..

 

[Cody]

I figure if I get married, she has to take half of my debt. right?

 

[bryson]

I figure if I get married, she has to take half of my debt. right?

That's the typical logic that women apply to marriage, but I don't see why you can't use it to your advantage.

 

[smartass_kid]

​FINALIZED

 

[Greg]

Congratulations!

 

[Gravy]

Congrats and condolences.

 

[TurboMinivan]

Since I brought it up earlier in this thread, I figure I ought to share The Rest Of The Story <tm>.

This morning at 9:56am, the judge signed my divorce decree, finalizing my split. As my lawyer put it, congratulations--I'm now divorced!

 

[moab_cj5]

Since I brought it up earlier in this thread, I figure I ought to share The Rest Of The Story <tm>.

This morning at 9:56am, the judge signed my divorce decree, finalizing my split. As my lawyer put it, congratulations--I'm now divorced!

Congrats and condolences. At least it is final...

 

[mbryson]

Congrats and condolences. At least it is final...

This. Sorry to hear but at least that process is over?