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History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most Liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywoodand group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline
pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to
get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most Liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywoodand group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline
pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to
get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: