Lame Joke Thread

[SoopaHick]

What do you call a dog without legs?

Doesn’t matter, it still won’t come.

 

[Greg]

I find Bernoulli's principle of aerodynamics to be.... uplifting.

 

[Greg]

What if Jeff was spelled Jephph?

 

[BlueWolfFab]

What if Jeff was spelled Jephph?

It's bad enough when it's Geoff.

 

[jeeper]

Sitting around the fire, these came from my brother. R rated.



My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday...

I don’t think they understood me when I said I wanna watch.








I got a sweater for my birthday. I wanted a screamer or a moaner, but I guess it’ll do.

 

[BlueWolfFab]

•I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know Y.

•Looking for fresh vegetable puns. Lettuce know.

•Cow stumbles into pot field! The steaks have never been higher!

•Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

•Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

•My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about that.

•Well to be frank, I'd have to change my name.

•Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

 

[BlueWolfFab]

I got my best friend a refrigerator for his birthday, I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

 

[glockman]

Going vegan would be a big missed steak.

 

[rholbrook]

What’s the difference between a Jeep Rubicon and a Rental Car? You can take a rental car anywhere

 

[UNSTUCK]

What do you get when you cross a Jeep Rubicon and a Rental Car?

The "Jeep" Compass I have right now as a loaner car. (I hate it.)

 

[Unimog]

What is the second fastest car in the world? A rental car.

 

[BlueWolfFab]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

___________

What do you call a magic dog?

A "labracadabrador"

___________

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

____________

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.

___________

What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music.

____________

Did you hear about he population in Ireland?

It's Dublin.

____________

Have you heard about the pregnant bedbug?

She's going to have her baby in the spring.

____________

How many lips does a flower have?

Tulips

____________

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

____________

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing

____________

Why was the picture sent to jail?

It was framed

____________

Why are dogs not good dancers?

They have two left feet

____________

I watched a documentary about beavers.

It was the best dam documentary I've ever seen.

____________

What do you call a Mexican that can't remember where he parked?

Carlos

____________

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Actually, I'm still working on it.

____________

The furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one nightstand.

____________

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything"

____________

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes — *whack*... "damn!"
A skydiver goes — "damn!"... *whack*

____________

"I stand corrected" said the man wearing orthopedic shoes

 

[UNSTUCK]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

 

[Greg]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

Have you ever had sex while camping?

It's also in tents....

 

[Kevin B.]

But you can't run through a campground, you can only ran. Because it's past tents.

 

[Kevin B.]

My wife says I make too many sexual innuendos and wants me to quit.

I told her I'll try but it's hard.

 

[UNSTUCK]

My wife says I make too many sexual innuendos and wants me to quit.

I told her I'll try but it's hard.

Funny story: I'm always making sexual innuendos to my wife in front of my kids. She always rolls her eyes or sometimes giggles. My kids never catch on. We were at a restaurant the other day when my 13 year old daughter pulled out a long french fry from her pile. She says, " wow, look how long that is" to which I reply, "that's what she said". She throws down the fry in frustration and says, "dad, you always say that and it makes no sense!"
I love the innocence of my kids. I don't think it will be around much longer though. That might makes these jokes even more funny.

 

[Kevin B.]

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

***

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid using them.

 

[Kevin B.]

Roman #1: You won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman #2: mmm?

Roman #1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

 

[BlueWolfFab]