Making adult friends

[Cody]

I've always figured the only reason I ever got people to hang out with me is because I would plan stuff and invite people. I never felt bad, gave guilt, or stopped inviting people if they didn't show up for something. I never felt bad if different friends became friends outside of my relationship or if we drifted apart for awhile. I just tried to be easy to be friends with, despite being hard to be around I have friends that I might only see once every couple years, and when we finally run into each other again I feel like it's all the same other than I have to fit in a couple years worth of jokes at their expense to make up for lost time.

It's definitely a different season of life for me. With kids at home and a lot of business stuff going on, I don't have much time to do anything else. I used to spend 50-70 nights a year in a tent, and I'm going to be lucky if I get 10 this year. Hopefully all of this groundwork will work out and I'll be able to have more flexibility to do more things with my friends and kids in the next few years. I know everyone misses me making fun of them.

 

[Tonkaman]

I’ve had good luck finding adult FEMALE friends downtown on the corner of 4th west and 4th south. Just bring a cheeseburger and a $10 bill, you’ll thank me later

 

[Noahfecks]

This thread is not what I expected

 

[nnnnnate]

This was really hard for me from like 25-30, I'm 35 now. My wife was in grad school and VERY busy with that and I was trying to figure out how to unwind from work and learn how to be an adult. My wife doesn't camp so she wasn't very interested in doing anything like that. I started doing day trips exploring areas with my dog but kind of got tired of that too. Like Dave said I hopped around a couple "wheeling" groups and didn't feel like a good fit in one and the second stuck. I feel like its been hard lately because it seems like the trips they are doing seem to be far away or multiple day events and I haven't been able to make them work. I haven't camped in 9 months. I have made some good friends doing that but if I'm not able to go camping than that doesn't help much.

For stuff closer to home...I just moved into a new house and I'm trying to meet new people and make some new neighbor friends. I've made cookies for everyone thats moved in since us but it hasn't led to anything yet. The thing that I thought of while reading the thread was maybe try doing some service. I feel a little self conscience about saying this but I went to talk to my back yard neighbor because he has a big tree with branches hanging real low on my side of the fence. I wanted to do some trimming but felt I should talk to him about it first. I was nervous to do so but I knocked on his door and was invited in. He is 82 and is wore out and his wife has alzheimers. We chatted for probably 45 minutes and he ended up saying something about a neighbor kid wouldn't call him back about mowing his lawn so I offered to do it for him just to help him out until he got it sorted out. Anyway, a week later I went by and mowed and trimmed and he was over the moon about it. I also found out he is into woodworking and has a full shop of tools. He showed me what he was working on and I talked to him about my grand project plans. In the end the neighbor kid is going to do the lawn but I went over again last night to work on the tree and brought my 3.5 year old with me to pick up pine cones in the guys back yard. Eli had a lot of fun with him while I did some cutting and even though I have no real need to go by again I absolutely plan to because through the 3 interactions we've had I consider him a friend. I can tell he appreciated the conversation and he certainly appreciated the yard help but I enjoyed it too. There is a huge age difference but there is plenty to talk about.

Take your dog and/or kid for a walk through the neighborhood as the weather warms up and stop and talk to people that are out working in their yards. Even if its just to complement their yard or whatever. Ask them what plants they just put in or what kind of trees they have. Alternatively if you have yard work to do stop when someone is on a walk and say hi. Its the perfect low stress interaction that'll kick start conversation. That might lead to waving and potentially further conversation.

You mention specifically wheeling and circumstances not allowing you to do that a ton right now. I'd suggest looking at other things that you do each week and try to find the opportunities from them to make acquaintances. With time those might turn into friendships that are tied to things that are a lot closer to home and where you live.

 

[jeep-N-montero]

I used to have more friends, then I got married, found a real job with great benefits, bought a boat, had a son, bought a different boat, had a daughter, and lately seem to rarely talk to anyone outside of our family unless I'm planning a hunting, fishing, or camping/wheeling trip. Priorities and responsibilities change who we know and how we spend our limited free time, and sometimes friends get left in the wind.

 

[jeep-N-montero]

This was really hard for me from like 25-30, I'm 35 now. My wife was in grad school and VERY busy with that and I was trying to figure out how to unwind from work and learn how to be an adult. My wife doesn't camp so she wasn't very interested in doing anything like that. I started doing day trips exploring areas with my dog but kind of got tired of that too. Like Dave said I hopped around a couple "wheeling" groups and didn't feel like a good fit in one and the second stuck. I feel like its been hard lately because it seems like the trips they are doing seem to be far away or multiple day events and I haven't been able to make them work. I haven't camped in 9 months. I have made some good friends doing that but if I'm not able to go camping than that doesn't help much.

For stuff closer to home...I just moved into a new house and I'm trying to meet new people and make some new neighbor friends. I've made cookies for everyone thats moved in since us but it hasn't led to anything yet. The thing that I thought of while reading the thread was maybe try doing some service. I feel a little self conscience about saying this but I went to talk to my back yard neighbor because he has a big tree with branches hanging real low on my side of the fence. I wanted to do some trimming but felt I should talk to him about it first. I was nervous to do so but I knocked on his door and was invited in. He is 82 and is wore out and his wife has alzheimers. We chatted for probably 45 minutes and he ended up saying something about a neighbor kid wouldn't call him back about mowing his lawn so I offered to do it for him just to help him out until he got it sorted out. Anyway, a week later I went by and mowed and trimmed and he was over the moon about it. I also found out he is into woodworking and has a full shop of tools. He showed me what he was working on and I talked to him about my grand project plans. In the end the neighbor kid is going to do the lawn but I went over again last night to work on the tree and brought my 3.5 year old with me to pick up pine cones in the guys back yard. Eli had a lot of fun with him while I did some cutting and even though I have no real need to go by again I absolutely plan to because through the 3 interactions we've had I consider him a friend. I can tell he appreciated the conversation and he certainly appreciated the yard help but I enjoyed it too. There is a huge age difference but there is plenty to talk about.

Take your dog and/or kid for a walk through the neighborhood as the weather warms up and stop and talk to people that are out working in their yards. Even if its just to complement their yard or whatever. Ask them what plants they just put in or what kind of trees they have. Alternatively if you have yard work to do stop when someone is on a walk and say hi. Its the perfect low stress interaction that'll kick start conversation. That might lead to waving and potentially further conversation.

You mention specifically wheeling and circumstances not allowing you to do that a ton right now. I'd suggest looking at other things that you do each week and try to find the opportunities from them to make acquaintances. With time those might turn into friendships that are tied to things that are a lot closer to home and where you live.

I have to agree, we haven't been wheeling much lately but do enjoy taking walks and chatting with neighbors with this perfect weather.

 

[Kiel]

You have to put in the effort, no kids or outside family life here. But I call and plan a lot. I see a lot of my friends 4 or 5 times a month. The rest of it is filled with the wife's friends

 

[Kevin B.]

My biggest hangup is that I'm not outgoing, so that makes for a fun challenge...

Right? Now add chronic absentmindedness to that, so that even if you might have been in the mood to be social, you forget to call the guy you wanted to hang out with. And then if you do remember to call and make plans, by the time it comes time to leave the house, your brief excitement for some adult time is gone and the thought of hanging out in public and making small talk is so exhausting that you call your buddy and make excuses. I never ever hang out just to hang out, not even with the guys I consider close friends, and forget going to parties and talking to strangers. I'm lucky to have a couple bros in my life that put up with my BS and are willing to do stuff with me anyway. They're good peeps and without them I'd probably be completely isolated.

 

[glockman]

People need community. For some that is family or church or friends. For me living in Utah as a non religious person I put myself in my own bubble. That's stupid. Like Davey said, you can look for things you have in common, or you can try to isolate yourself, either consciously or unconsciously. Rme has literally changed my life. It is my community. I have met many of you and have gotten on great. I have a small group on here (mostly moto guys) that I spend a lot of time with, some I only see once or twice a year, sorry Russ. We still get along great and have fun. Don't out yourself in a box and you will be much happier in general.

 

[Tonkaman]

Years ago I realized all my friends were drunk asses and that I needed a change. That’s when I joined RME and a couple other local groups. It wasn’t really for wheeling or anything specific, just an excuse to meet new people. I used to love going to the bar and bull shitting with strangers every night, now I just bs with people online

 

[Houndoc]

. Would you be offended if a guy down the street said, "Hey, I noticed you have a face. I do too, let's go get a sandwich."?

I like that! Just shows we all have something in common with anyone. I think sometimes we are hesitant to try to talk to someone because we are afraid we won't have much to share.

But reality, good friends can be different from us. Especially important to remember that in light of issue like religion as mentioned above.

I am in the same boat as some with my kids all leaving (19, 21 and 23 and all very independant souls). But it is interesting how relationships change. I play in an adult soccer league and am now team mates with young adults I coached when they where kids. It has also been fun to get to know other players in the league that are in circles that otherwise I would never have met or talked to. We don'thang out, but it is fun to chat when we see each other around town.

 

[Jesser04]

I realized about 15 years ago I don’t need acquaintances just good close friends that I know would do anything for me. Now I’m 36 and have about 4-5 friends. One of the them I talk to daily on his way to work we bullshit complain about our wife’s and laugh it feels my need for friendship. Between work and my family I just don’t have much free time. If you golf at all find a cheap golf course and look into the men’s league last year we played swan lakes every Tuesday it was fun and easy to make work because it was the same time every week.

Another thing I realized golfing last year is I was a better father and husband when I had that time every week for myself it seems weird but I was sort of a weekly reset button for me. It got to the point my wife was happy that I was going. Another friend has a cabin up at strawberry with snowmobiles every other Saturday night we’d go up and spend the night and snowmobile Sunday and came home. Again my wife encouraged it she had some free time with my son and I came home happy.

 

[Cody]

Another thing I realized golfing last year is I was a better father and husband when I had that time every week for myself it seems weird but I was sort of a weekly reset button for me.

This is something I'm trying to explain to my fiancé. I try to encourage (and plan for her so she has togo) her to go and do something outside of the house while I watch the parasites, but she doesn't really have any friends and her family is 45 minutes away so it's hard. When I try to go do something, I just feel guilty because there isn't balance since she never does anything.

 

[Stephen]

This is something I'm trying to explain to my fiancé. I try to encourage (and plan for her so she has togo) her to go and do something outside of the house while I watch the parasites, but she doesn't really have any friends and her family is 45 minutes away so it's hard. When I try to go do something, I just feel guilty because there isn't balance since she never does anything.

I'm trying to wrap my head around you having kids...

 

[Herzog]

I'm trying to wrap my head around you having kids...

really? Because this is exactly how I would envision it:

while I watch the parasites

 

[Jesser04]

This is something I'm trying to explain to my fiancé. I try to encourage (and plan for her so she has togo) her to go and do something outside of the house while I watch the parasites, but she doesn't really have any friends and her family is 45 minutes away so it's hard. When I try to go do something, I just feel guilty because there isn't balance since she never does anything.

Does you wife work? My wife was the same I encouraged her to go out but it never workout. She has recently gone back to work and will go out with her coworkers after work sometimes.

 

[Cody]

I'm trying to wrap my head around you having kids...

Well Stephen, when a man and a woman love each other a lot, they make a baby.

Does you wife work? My wife was the same I encouraged her to go out but it never workout. She has recently gone back to work and will go out with her coworkers after work sometimes.

Ya, she's an escrow officer for Cottonwood Title. It's stressful, which is part of the reason she doesn't like to do much in general when she's not at work. She's good at making friends at work, but her work is in Orem so most of her coworkers are either 45+ minutes away, or not into the same kinds of things. I'm trying to help her quit her job so she can stay home more and sell cookies. That even sounds weird typing it, but her cookie game is on point

 

[benjy]

Take your dog and/or kid for a walk through the neighborhood as the weather warms up and stop and talk to people that are out working in their yards. Even if its just to complement their yard or whatever. Ask them what plants they just put in or what kind of trees they have. Alternatively if you have yard work to do stop when someone is on a walk and say hi. Its the perfect low stress interaction that'll kick start conversation. That might lead to waving and potentially further conversation.

Totally agree with you on this. A neighborhood is a perfect source for genuine human interaction.

Neighborhoods are being designed around reclusiveness. This weekend I'll be pulling out some rose bushes and putting in a fire pit, in our front yard. This is a great read for anyone that lives in a neighborhood

https://www.strongtowns.org/journal/2018/4/12/eight-ways-to-be-a-better-neighbor

 

[Pike2350]

Take your dog and/or kid for a walk through the neighborhood as the weather warms up and stop and talk to people that are out working in their yards. Even if its just to complement their yard or whatever. Ask them what plants they just put in or what kind of trees they have. Alternatively if you have yard work to do stop when someone is on a walk and say hi. Its the perfect low stress interaction that'll kick start conversation. That might lead to waving and potentially further conversation.

You mention specifically wheeling and circumstances not allowing you to do that a ton right now. I'd suggest looking at other things that you do each week and try to find the opportunities from them to make acquaintances. With time those might turn into friendships that are tied to things that are a lot closer to home and where you live.

Now that the weather is better we do this and have been for the past 3 years since we moved in to our house. Is a great neighborhood and i di try to meet the neighbors.... unfortunately, 2 that i have enjoyed taking to a little bit, and that my 10yr old befriended are moving. 1 to Phoenix and the other to St. George. There are still a lot of people in our neighborhood with kids and we do plan on being out walking often since it's a great neighborhood for that.

Almost everyone on our street hangs out in their front yards. We even took out a planter and put in pavers in front to have a little sitting area... so im taking steps that way.

I guess part of it is just missing the wheeling community as well. I have a hard time getting oft and when i do i feel a little nervous talking. Hell, in Sand Hollow for Kevin's sons memorial, i think I said all of 100 words...lol. oh well. I guess i may need to sign up for Facebook....or bring ot my old account not tied to my real name so i can see some of the local clubs going ons. I do miss foru.s and the activity they used to have, but it seems those are struggling a lot too.

 

[Jesser04]

Well Stephen, when a man and a woman love each other a lot, they make a baby.



Ya, she's an escrow officer for Cottonwood Title. It's stressful, which is part of the reason she doesn't like to do much in general when she's not at work. She's good at making friends at work, but her work is in Orem so most of her coworkers are either 45+ minutes away, or not into the same kinds of things. I'm trying to help her quit her job so she can stay home more and sell cookies. That even sounds weird typing it, but her cookie game is on point

Ima need some of those cookies.