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New Texas Hunting Rules
As a result of the shooting incident in South Texas when a lawyer was shot
by the Vice President, a new set of Hunting Regulations Regarding the Taking
and Harvesting of Attorneys will be enforced by the Texas Parks & Wildlife
Commission.
Sec 370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license
may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport(non-commercial) purposes.
Sec 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
Sec 370.03 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for rabies and vermin.
Sec 370.04 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If
an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney
should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed
immediately to the nearest car wash.
Sec 370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or aircraft.
Sec 370.06 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
Sec 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoon.
Sec 370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels except on
Saturday and Sunday.
Sec 370.09 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have a license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess the same. Use of any
type killing device is legal including shotguns with the choke removed,
high powered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types and kinds of game
traps and snares. Poisoning is prohibited because of the danger to
rattlesnakes, coyotes and skunks.
Sec 370.10 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim,
bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting attorneys.
Sec 370.11 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2 Two-faced tortfeasors, 1 Back-stabbing
divorce litigators, 3 Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2 Minutiae-advocating
dirtbags, 4 Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act
and can normally be identified because they do not wear Rolex watches, drive
a Porsche, BMW or other expensive luxury automobile or wear $500 shoes and
$1500 suits.
As a result of the shooting incident in South Texas when a lawyer was shot
by the Vice President, a new set of Hunting Regulations Regarding the Taking
and Harvesting of Attorneys will be enforced by the Texas Parks & Wildlife
Commission.
Sec 370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license
may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport(non-commercial) purposes.
Sec 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
Sec 370.03 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for rabies and vermin.
Sec 370.04 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If
an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney
should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed
immediately to the nearest car wash.
Sec 370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or aircraft.
Sec 370.06 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
Sec 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoon.
Sec 370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels except on
Saturday and Sunday.
Sec 370.09 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have a license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess the same. Use of any
type killing device is legal including shotguns with the choke removed,
high powered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types and kinds of game
traps and snares. Poisoning is prohibited because of the danger to
rattlesnakes, coyotes and skunks.
Sec 370.10 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim,
bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting attorneys.
Sec 370.11 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2 Two-faced tortfeasors, 1 Back-stabbing
divorce litigators, 3 Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2 Minutiae-advocating
dirtbags, 4 Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act
and can normally be identified because they do not wear Rolex watches, drive
a Porsche, BMW or other expensive luxury automobile or wear $500 shoes and
$1500 suits.
