Oil Change instructions for Men : > >1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, >filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 > >2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. >3) Open a beer and drink it. >4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. >5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. >6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. >7) Place drain pan under engine. >8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. >9) Give up and use crescent wrench. >10) Unscrew drain plug. >11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in >process. Cuss. >12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw >kitty litter on spilled oil. >13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. >14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. >15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter >and twist off. >16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil >everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash >can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. >17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil >change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work. >18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan >full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back >yard instead of taking it to recycle. >19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. >20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. >21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. >22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to >gasket surface. >23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. >24) Remember drain plug from step 11. >25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. >26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along >with drain plug. >27) Drink beer >28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch >of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower >gas. >29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw >kitty litter on oil spill. >30) Drink beer. >31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily >rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening >drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. >32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. >33) Begin cussing fit. >34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. >35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in >the left boob. >36. Beer. >37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. >38) Beer. >39) Beer. >40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. >41) Beer. >42) Lower car from jack stands. >43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. >44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during >steps 23-43. >45) Beer. >46) Test drive car. >47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. >48) Car gets impounded. >49) Call loving wife, make bail. >50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. > >Money spent: >Parts $50 >DUI $2500 >Impound fee $75 >Bail $1500 >Beer $40 >Total -- $4615 > >But at least you know the job was done right. > >(And I'm sure that some of you actually KNOW guys like this!!!!)
