Mental health: it’s ok to talk.

glockman

I hate Jeep trucks
Location
Pleasant Grove
I am in the process of helping my brother's wife go through all their belongings and prepare her to move. I am dealing with his death pretty well. I still expect him to text me or walk in the door but I think I'm over the hardest part. That said, standing in his garage looking at his stuff is difficult. Holding tools that I gave him, looking at things that he held dear and used often has been a struggle. I am kind of a minimalist at heart but I am having a hard time picking things of his I'd like to keep and not just keep everything that will remind me of him.

I keep staring at his dirt bike. He bought it a little over a year ago and we got to spend quite a few days riding last year. I invited him multiple times to go ride with me over the last few months and he always had some reason he couldn't but told me to keep asking him. I just have this deep rooted feeling that if he had taken me up on the offer that he would still be here. Riding/racing bikes has saved my life. I couldn't deal with all the stress life entails without that outlet. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings onto him. I don't know.

This is the last picture I have of him. We rode with my dad to the north rim of the grand canyon on ADV bikes in February. You can't tell from my expression, but it was an awesome day. Things like this keep him alive in my heart. I think I'm going to keep his bike and we can ride it together. Thanks for reading my rambling.

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02SE

Well-Known Member
Location
Millcreek, UT
I am in the process of helping my brother's wife go through all their belongings and prepare her to move. I am dealing with his death pretty well. I still expect him to text me or walk in the door but I think I'm over the hardest part. That said, standing in his garage looking at his stuff is difficult. Holding tools that I gave him, looking at things that he held dear and used often has been a struggle. I am kind of a minimalist at heart but I am having a hard time picking things of his I'd like to keep and not just keep everything that will remind me of him.

I keep staring at his dirt bike. He bought it a little over a year ago and we got to spend quite a few days riding last year. I invited him multiple times to go ride with me over the last few months and he always had some reason he couldn't but told me to keep asking him. I just have this deep rooted feeling that if he had taken me up on the offer that he would still be here. Riding/racing bikes has saved my life. I couldn't deal with all the stress life entails without that outlet. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings onto him. I don't know.

This is the last picture I have of him. We rode with my dad to the north rim of the grand canyon on ADV bikes in February. You can't tell from my expression, but it was an awesome day. Things like this keep him alive in my heart. I think I'm going to keep his bike and we can ride it together. Thanks for reading my rambling.

View attachment 171842

I'm at a loss for words. My sincerest condolences.
 

Tonkaman

Well-Known Member
Location
West Jordan
I am in the process of helping my brother's wife go through all their belongings and prepare her to move. I am dealing with his death pretty well. I still expect him to text me or walk in the door but I think I'm over the hardest part. That said, standing in his garage looking at his stuff is difficult. Holding tools that I gave him, looking at things that he held dear and used often has been a struggle. I am kind of a minimalist at heart but I am having a hard time picking things of his I'd like to keep and not just keep everything that will remind me of him.

I keep staring at his dirt bike. He bought it a little over a year ago and we got to spend quite a few days riding last year. I invited him multiple times to go ride with me over the last few months and he always had some reason he couldn't but told me to keep asking him. I just have this deep rooted feeling that if he had taken me up on the offer that he would still be here. Riding/racing bikes has saved my life. I couldn't deal with all the stress life entails without that outlet. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings onto him. I don't know.

This is the last picture I have of him. We rode with my dad to the north rim of the grand canyon on ADV bikes in February. You can't tell from my expression, but it was an awesome day. Things like this keep him alive in my heart. I think I'm going to keep his bike and we can ride it together. Thanks for reading my rambling.

View attachment 171842
I am SO sorry Chad. That sounds so incredibly hard to navigate… 😢
 

Houndoc

Registered User
Location
Grantsville
I attended a fundraiser breakfast this morning for a local domestic violence shelter and support organization (South Valley Services).

The realities of domestic violence in all forms (sexual violence, physical, emotional and financial abuse) are heart breaking and far too common.

One main take away I came away from is how important it is that those who are victims of abuse are supported, not demeaned or blamed. Life long abuse (often generational for both victims and perpetrators) has severe mental health impacts that make it harder for victims to seek safety before it is too late.
 

Kevin B.

Not often wrong. Never quite right.
Moderator
Location
Vehicular limbo
Article in the Trib:

 

Stephen

Who Dares Wins
Moderator
Article in the Trib:

This echo's a lot of what is in Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves. Its a real problem, and its going to take a concerted effort to get past it. My wife is an assistant principal at an elementary school, and she frequently talks about how she sees a lot of socialization issues with boys that weren't there 10 years ago.

I've been incredibly lucky and have a solid group of about a dozen guys whom I've known since I was in elementary school or there abouts. We're family and we get together frequently and there are no boundaries on what we talk about. Now that I have two little boys of my own, I'm concerned about the world they are coming into and how to help and teach them to build these kinds of long lasting friendships. Its not like it was when I was a kid and every parent kicked their offspring out the front door at 8am in the summer and told to roam the streets in search of friends and fun. Everyone keeps their doors locked and kids only get together for play dates.
 

SoopaHick

Certified Weld Judger
Moderator
Article in the Trib:

I struggle with this a lot in my own life but also see it in my students all the time.
For me it was how much I moved in a very short time frame when I was in my pre teen years in which I think it's super important to build established friendships. If I recall correctly I moved 6 times from the time I was 10 to 12. Then to put the nail in the coffin the neighborhood we finally settled in had a very strongly established friend group of young men that had relatively aggressive LDS standards and had spent their whole lives in that neighborhood. All that made them not want much to do with the new kids in the neighborhood that were a mixed back of Church values/activity. Made it all too easy to just isolate and play video games.

Then to add on to that the few friends I had developed in school all burned me pretty hard when I was 16 and I was done with trying to make new "real" friends. I'm pretty sure every friendship I've had since then has been superficial besides my wife, and it's very hard to try and have her understand this issue.

Lastly my fierce independence doesn't allow me the strength to ever express my real feelings or struggles. Even saying this little bit makes me feel like a little B&%$^. Now that I'm an adult with a wife, 2 kids, 3 jobs, and a mortgage I see no future possibility of ever building deep friendships.

In short, I get this. I haven't had real friends in years. Maybe other people don't suck and I'm the problem.
 

Kevin B.

Not often wrong. Never quite right.
Moderator
Location
Vehicular limbo
Even saying this little bit makes me feel like a little B&%$^.
I think you're strong for saying it. For sure there's other people that don't suck, that are lucky enough that for what ever reason they don't have this problem. This thread is prime evidence to me that there's plenty of guys out there that DO have this problem, and talking about is how we get past it. We don't have to be lone wolves against the world. We don't all have to be the strong silent type. We evolved to live in groups and lean on each other and there is strength in recognizing that in the face of societal pressures that tell us to behave otherwise.
 

ID Bronco

Registered User
Location
Idaho Falls, ID
I struggle with this a lot in my own life but also see it in my students all the time.
For me it was how much I moved in a very short time frame when I was in my pre teen years in which I think it's super important to build established friendships. If I recall correctly I moved 6 times from the time I was 10 to 12. Then to put the nail in the coffin the neighborhood we finally settled in had a very strongly established friend group of young men that had relatively aggressive LDS standards and had spent their whole lives in that neighborhood. All that made them not want much to do with the new kids in the neighborhood that were a mixed back of Church values/activity. Made it all too easy to just isolate and play video games.

Then to add on to that the few friends I had developed in school all burned me pretty hard when I was 16 and I was done with trying to make new "real" friends. I'm pretty sure every friendship I've had since then has been superficial besides my wife, and it's very hard to try and have her understand this issue.

Lastly my fierce independence doesn't allow me the strength to ever express my real feelings or struggles. Even saying this little bit makes me feel like a little B&%$^. Now that I'm an adult with a wife, 2 kids, 3 jobs, and a mortgage I see no future possibility of ever building deep friendships.

In short, I get this. I haven't had real friends in years. Maybe other people don't suck and I'm the problem.
I know some of my Son's feel similar to this, very different circumstances but they don't have any real, quality friends and they are in their 20's.

Even as an adult I think a lot of guys have spent 30 years supporting and providing for their families and feel underappreciated and under loved by their spouse. I don't have deep meaningful conversations with anyone really. It's always about something someone wants that I cannot afford, so I dodge them and just "get things done" and make life as good as I can.

It's not right to treat men badly because they don't check enough boxes in liberal terms to have a valid opinion on anything. BS to that.

For every person out there contemplating suicide there are a bunch of unhappy guys grinding life out. But..........most days are awesome, we live in America, have homes, heat, toilets and all kinds of great opportunities. We have a lot to be grateful for and for me remembering and acknowledging that helps a bunch.
 

nnnnnate

Well-Known Member
Supporting Member
Location
WVC, UT
What you mentioned @SoopaHick about getting kicked out of the house in the summer to play made me think about what I did. I can't think of any real good friends that I'd go play with in the neighborhood. I was always outside, but it seems like I was either doing my own thing or tagging along with my older brother. I found "my people" in junior high when I started on the swim team and playing water polo. We seemed to all stick together and were all good kids and good students generally speaking. I ran into my "best friend" from HS last September and stopped to chat for just a minute. I got his number and we texted a little but that's about it. I hadn't seen or heard from him since 2006. I think we're just pretty busy and set in how and what we are up to so we never really were able to catch up and talk about life.

The one kid in our circle that is close to my oldest sons age is super obnoxious. We car pool with them and I really can't stand him. My wife feels the same way. I totally get that my boys are pretty sheltered (no violent video games, limited screen time, very limited on what shows they are allowed to watch...) but this kid seems to only talk about murder, death, and gruesome things while being constantly rude and disrespectful. So, we don't really encourage our son to go out and play. We aren't great at trying to reach out to a couple of the other kids though that aren't as close but that are nice and respectful.

It probably doesn't help that our boys don't go to the neighborhood school either like it seems most did 30+ years ago. We have them at a school with a 5 minute drive and their friends there are from all over the West Valley/Magna area. I hope that my boys can find a group that they feel like they belong in and that will help them be themselves while also being kind and respectful. Sports helped me do that. I don't know what would do it for them though.
 

jeeper

I live my life 1 dumpster at a time
Location
So Jo, Ut
Now that I'm an adult with a wife, 2 kids, 3 jobs, and a mortgage I see no future possibility of ever building deep friendships.

One RME'er that I am good friends with joined RME to reach out and make new friends outside of his previous circle. I was lucky enough to have daughters his daughters same age, so he pegged me as a 'friend' option, and it has been a huge blessing.

I recognized in myself just before COVID years that I needed more good men in my life. I decided to make an effort to be the one to create friendships. Just like everything else, they take effort and time.

I identified an RME/desert racer that I wanted to get to know, so I invited myself on a day date with him, and it worked awesome. His family and mine now hang out somewhat regularly.

I have made numerous invitations to others in my neighborhood to do an activity, join my wife and I for ice cream, etc. Most never happen, a few happen with little excitement, but one or two have been good.

So, my point is, it does take effort, but is very much possible and worth while.
 
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N-Smooth

Smooth Gang Founding Member
Location
UT
I have made numerous invitations to others in my neighborhood to do an activity, join my wife and I for ice cream, etc. Most never happen, a few happen with little excitement, but one or two have been good.

So, my point is, it does take effort, but is very much possible and worth while.
This x100000. For one, if you don't reach out to others and try to befriend them, it won't ever happen. Since moving about 2.5 years ago we found ourselves surrounded by some great people and we've made efforts to spend time with all of them outside of big group hangouts and stuff that's centered around our kids being friends. We've invited them all to dinner separately and really only 1 couple out of 4 really took off. But it's good to be able to say it's not for a lack of effort on our part. We still see the other neighbors regularly and chat with them for long periods of time but they're definitely not besties- which is fine. The one neighbor friends that did work out, we see all the time, we text and the best part is my wife is super close with the wife. That makes it super easy.

I still try and see old friends from time to time but it feels a little forced some of the time.
 

Pike2350

Registered User
Location
Salt Lake City
I am still friends with kids I knew from elementary school through high-school. We try and get together regularly (lunch tomorrow and a double date night last Friday) however they do tend to be a lot more spread out and I find making new friends to fill the void is hard. Not having any real passions makes it doubly hard.

I enjoy off-roading but don't have a vehicle for it now and while I think of buying a Gladiator I wonder how often I would use it and who I would go with. I know most here would be very accepting of me going along but I also realize I keep myself very busy with stuff that doesn't usually involve others. I constantly have projects around the house. I enjoy remodeling and construction and "making" things...but most of that does'nt lend itself to groups....and then I also struggle to make time for anything else.

My wife sent me a video of an interview with some older guy. I don't recall his name or what he was (just recall very smart like a surgeon or scientist ir something) His line that stuck, was a response to the okd question, "what do you regret about your life"

Paraphrasing of course.

"I wish I didn't waste so much time working so hard. That I didn't believe that my work was my justification for even living"

I have found that I do that. That I feel I have to be doing something, not always for my enjoyment but just to justify my existence. I need to let go of some of it and try to get out and find passions. Cars and construction seem to be the most forefront....but construction is more to keep me occupied l.

Sorry, long rant. Anyway. I feel finding friends when you are older is difficult. I have a few newer friends but mostly I occasionally get together with high-school friends....but with our kids at differing stages of life, it can be more difficult to manage.
 

Hickey

Burn-barrel enthusiast
Supporting Member
I’m not friends with a single person from any of my school days, unless you count my spouse. Up until last year, all of my friends have come from RME except maybe one.

I do have a good core group of friends at work since last year. That’s a first for me. I’m still not as close to them as most of you guys, as they don’t share my hobbies (they like sports) but we do get along quite well.

RME is a special place, and we’re all guilty of cultivating a place where long term friendship easily grows. You can’t buy that shit.
 
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