Postpartum depression

[Toad]

I really don't know who in my circle of friends to talk to about this so I figured why not some strangers. I have seen some random topics on here so I figured I would start my own. First let me state I know very little about ppd and how to work through it. I figure a lot of guys on here have probably dealt with this to some degree.

We had our first child a year ago. She is perfect happy and healthy. My wife on the other hand is driving me bat shit crazy. MOODY! does not sleep, feels completely inadequate and overwhelmed as a mom and all of her responsibilities. Talks about life would be easier if she was not here. I am sure the list could go on.

I am like every other guy in the world that has none of these emotions. I dont UNDERSTAND at all. So for the guys that have dealt with this what did you do to get through it? I think my wife needs some help but how do I convince her of that?


I realize this could be a personal topic so if you would rather message me please do
Thanks

 

[jeeper]

My wife went through the same thing. Nearly ended our marriage, I couldn't handle it, and did not understand what was going on. Plenty of counselling later I have a little bit more understanding.
This is probably different for every woman, so who knows the right answer..
Most of my wife's issues were based on not being good enough. Although she was a great wife and mother, she refused to see it. She had to feel and believe that she was the number 1 important thing to me. Once my actions and words both showed that she was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life she began to develop self worth again, and was able to over come the depression.
Women go through some crazy physical and emotional changes during pregnancy. The 'ugly' body they receive I think tops the cake.. So it takes a serious toll, and they need some super extra amount of love and affection to over come, More than I think we are programmed to give, so it takes SERIOUS effort to make it happen.
That's my .02 on the matter.

 

[sixstringsteve]

A lot of people think that therapists are full of crap, and some are... but I have seen therapists heal lots of mental illness in the lives of the loved ones around me. Even if you're not into therapists, you've gotta admit that they know more about PPD and other issues than your everyday person.

As far as knowing how to help a loved one get counselling when they need it, I'm clueless but very interested. I have a few loved ones in my favily who could really benefit from therapy, but they want nothing to do with it. Ultimately it's their decision, and I'm ok with that, but I know it would help them and I'm all ears to ways to help.

The hippie in me doesn't turn immediately to medication. In some cases, medication is needed and is the only fix. However, a lot of doctors jump straight to medication as the only solution. lots of doctors use medicaion to mask the symptoms rather than treat the problem. Good luck, hang in there.

 

[Skylinerider]

Speaking from very first hand experience, find one of her friends and have her talk to her about getting help. I won't go into my personal life here, but this kind of depression can ruin relationships. A lot of people get defensive about things like this, and that is why it may be better coming from a female friend, rather than her husband. A combination of antidepressants and counseling is what seems to work best.

 

[Toad]

Speaking from very first hand experience, find one of her friends and have her talk to her about getting help. I won't go into my personal life here, but this kind of depression can ruin relationships. A lot of people get defensive about things like this, and that is why it may be better coming from a female friend, rather than her husband. A combination of antidepressants and counseling is what seems to work best.

After I posted this up I got a hold of a buddy. His wife has been through this. I am hoping that his wife and mine will get together. She doesn't want to talk to me and especially her mom. She looks up to mom more than anyone and I think she does not want to disappoint her. It is definitely a strain on the marriage.

 

[Herzog]

The hippie in me doesn't turn immediately to medication. In some cases, medication is needed and is the only fix. However, a lot of doctors jump straight to medication as the only solution. lots of doctors use medicaion to mask the symptoms rather than treat the problem. Good luck, hang in there.

A lot of people will probably roll their eyes at what you said, but you are dead on. They are trained to push out as many pills as possible... Most are creating side-effects to which they prescribe more to try to counter act. It's a huge downward spiral. There are doctors up at UNI that will tell you the exact same thing about many of the practitioners in the valley. It's scary.

 

[Max Power]

A lot of people will probably roll their eyes at what you said, but you are dead on. They are trained to push out as many pills as possible... Most are creating side-effects to which they prescribe more to try to counter act. It's a huge downward spiral. There are doctors up at UNI that will tell you the exact same thing about many of the practitioners in the valley. It's scary.

It's important to remember there are a lot of people who benefit from medication. It is also the patients responsibility to determine what medications and there side affects are worth the increase in quality of life. I do agree that Antidepressants are over prescribed but more often than not I would say doctors have the patients best interests in mind and are not just trying to push pills.

 

[jeep-N-montero]

Always try therapy or counseling way before medicating. I'm sure some of you are aware that Utah has been in the top 5 states in the nation for prescription medication abuse for a long time. Part of the problem is that many Utah families are so hush/taboo when it comes to talking about PPD in families, so when it does happen the daughter/wife is clueless about the symptoms and treatment.

 

[Herzog]

It's important to remember there are a lot of people who benefit from medication. It is also the patients responsibility to determine what medications and there side affects are worth the increase in quality of life. I do agree that Antidepressants are over prescribed but more often than not I would say doctors have the patients best interests in mind and are not just trying to push pills.

I still think most of the medications are just treating the side effects of larger issues, but not really in the mood to defend that stance especially when I"ll just end up sounding like an anti patent-pharma wacko. I am just left with an overly sour taste from experiencing this not only myself but watching close friends go down the same paths only to end up with similar conclusions. Just something I wish everybody could avoid and at the same time get their lives back on track.

I'm only left with asking how did we survive and deal with these things before the patent-pharma drug ring? Strange that the more available a certain prescriptions become, the more prevalent the issue (that it treats) becomes.

 

[Kevin B.]

My wife went through a couple weeks of PPD. I kinda took over the house for a bit, and she snapped out of it. I think the advice from Jeeper is spot on - love your wife. Keep in the front of your head that the phase she's going through is not who she is, and she'll get better. Keep looking for ways to get her into counseling - once she remembers you love her and she loves you, she'll be more open to hearing you suggest that she needs help. You might ask your wife's OB if they can recommend a support group, maybe just getting your wife in the same room as other women that have the same struggle might help?

I fight depression too. It's hard to hear that you need "counseling" - going to a professional is an admission of failure, and the depressed mind doesn't want to go there. So don't be surprised or hurt when she reacts defensively to the idea, that's just the monkey on her back talking. Just keep bringing the idea to the table, gently and with love, and you guys will get through it.

 

[smartass_kid]

not trying to be a dick here, but you said child was born a year ago? you can still have PPD for a while but after a year it seems she might have other issues triggered by the PPD. you say "Talks about life would be easier if she was not here."; is she talking about the baby or herself? one of bigger symptoms of PPD is thought of harming the baby, totally horrible to think and even harder to admit you've done it. if it's her she thinks would be better if gone, then it's could be still PPD but may also be another issue like you've mentioned.
since she feels overwhelmed and inadequate, are you helping as much as possible? we all swing our dicks proudly and never admit to doing the dishes, BUT you need to swallow your pride and help out; even more than your share until she feels better.

also, try to get her out of the house if possible, small lunch plans, trips to store without baby. she might freak out that someone lese is taking her "responsiblity" but small trips leading up to a meal would help her ease her feelings.

since you know her well, you can figure out the best way to approach this. with my wife it was something we talked about before birth so it was eastablished and we had a game plan. even where things got thrown for a loop with some serious stuff, we knew what was up and had a game plan.

i don't know you so don't take offense, just thinking about how it was with my wife and i and how i was about it. and how i SHOULD have been about it looking back now.

 

[Herzog]

That's some excellent advice. I certainly wouldn't take offense to it.

 

[DOSS]

Here is my 2p Set up an appointment to talk to a counselor.. well 3 actually, you first (this shows her that you truly have a stake in making things better), then ask her to talk to the counselor to help YOU be able to do better etc.. then talk to the counselor together. Set up a weekly meeting where you talk about the status of your relationship, parenting goals etc.. 30 minutes a week where you can just talk about these things and you are not going into the conversation because your are upset but because it is just that time to talk about things.. maybe even go online and do a emotional needs assessment for each of you, be honest and use that as a way to start talking. Really find out what she needs by talking, don't assume that she needs time, or that she needs to get out of the house etc.. don't assume anything get to talking, show that you are making an effort and be honest...

there you go.. that may have been 3p

 

[Rot Box]

My wife had Postpartum anxiety from a miscarriage. Last year around this time it was at its worst and it became so bad I thought our marriage was history. She was in constant overwhelming fear of pretty much anything and everything especially death. She was also stressed out to the point she would have panic attacks several times a day. She slept very little in fear she wouldn't wake up and when she did sleep she would wake up screaming. Every doctor she went to wanted to treat it with medication which she (for better or worse) refused in fear of becoming addicted. That's the short less scary/intense version.


I think it was her getting a new and more demanding job that finally made her snap out of it. It was a big commitment for her because people were now depending on her and because of the job task there were legal consequences if she didn't do it right. I don't have the answer for you--I wish I did. Great advice so far I think. Hang in there and never give up on trying to show how much you care. Little things make the biggest difference and never push too hard. Ultimately its up to her to take the steps forward give it time it will happen.

 

[pELYgroso]

My wife had post pardum depression severely. It took around 2 years for her to start to come out of it. Like others have said, it takes a huge toll on a marriage, and I'm telling you right now that there will be times that you'll wonder if you can stick with it. That is normal, but you have to push through. My wife tried some anti depressants, and they all worked somewhat but had other side effects that made it not worth it, like making her extremely forgetful -like forgetting to do important stuff that the baby needed, or while taking away the negative emotions, making her zombie-like w/ no emotion at all. She was prescribed Xanax once and she only took it on really bad days, and it worked pretty well for those days, but she didn't want to take it regularly and get dependent on it. The one bottle lasted the 2 years, only taking it on the worst of days.

The only "medication" that did work for her was a supplement called protandim. My wife's mom told us about it and she tried it, and it was amazing. Neither of us noticed a difference for about 2 weeks, and then I started to notice that she wasn't as snappy and easy to anger/sadden, and it got better as she took it more. It was interesting that she didn't notice a difference when I did. After about 3 weeks she mentioned that it must not be working, and I told her that it definitely was, and I had assumed that she noticed as well but she hadn't. She felt the same as before, but there was definitely a difference to me. Kinda doesn't make sense, but I definitely saw it slowly working! After about a month, she started to notice that she felt better (general happiness/less stressed) and it kind of leveled off. It didn't take the depression away completely, but it was a breath of fresh air for our marriage and for her well being. After about a month of taking it, I could notice if she hadn't taken it for a day or 2. She would be easier to anger or stress over things. It was great to see something working! It had no ill side effects, and she took it up until she got preggo again. She is due in June and we have some ready for as soon as she has the baby!

I'm not saying that this will cure your wife's depression...it didn't completely cure my wife's, but it did help us out a lot. Whether it's something like this, or counseling, or whatever, there are things that help...don't give up if one thing doesn't work. And definitely just be patient and loving!

 

[Marsh99]

My wife had post pardum depression severely. It took around 2 years for her to start to come out of it. Like others have said, it takes a huge toll on a marriage, and I'm telling you right now that there will be times that you'll wonder if you can stick with it. That is normal, but you have to push through. My wife tried some anti depressants, and they all worked somewhat but had other side effects that made it not worth it, like making her extremely forgetful -like forgetting to do important stuff that the baby needed, or while taking away the negative emotions, making her zombie-like w/ no emotion at all. She was prescribed Xanax once and she only took it on really bad days, and it worked pretty well for those days, but she didn't want to take it regularly and get dependent on it. The one bottle lasted the 2 years, only taking it on the worst of days.

The only "medication" that did work for her was a supplement called protandim. My wife's mom told us about it and she tried it, and it was amazing. Neither of us noticed a difference for about 2 weeks, and then I started to notice that she wasn't as snappy and easy to anger/sadden, and it got better as she took it more. It was interesting that she didn't notice a difference when I did. After about 3 weeks she mentioned that it must not be working, and I told her that it definitely was, and I had assumed that she noticed as well but she hadn't. She felt the same as before, but there was definitely a difference to me. Kinda doesn't make sense, but I definitely saw it slowly working! After about a month, she started to notice that she felt better (general happiness/less stressed) and it kind of leveled off. It didn't take the depression away completely, but it was a breath of fresh air for our marriage and for her well being. After about a month of taking it, I could notice if she hadn't taken it for a day or 2. She would be easier to anger or stress over things. It was great to see something working! It had no ill side effects, and she took it up until she got preggo again. She is due in June and we have some ready for as soon as she has the baby!

I'm not saying that this will cure your wife's depression...it didn't completely cure my wife's, but it did help us out a lot. Whether it's something like this, or counseling, or whatever, there are things that help...don't give up if one thing doesn't work. And definitely just be patient and loving!

Are you talking about Protandim by Life Vantage?

 

[pELYgroso]

Yep

 

[Marsh99]

Yep

I make that at my work.

 

[Maverick]

Parenting is a learned behavior, it's not just "natural". Hormones, however, can make it interesting. You're a stallion for recognizing the need and looking for ways to help your wife.

Having a kid is a hormonal roller coaster for a woman. Before and after. Hard core. There's been some good advice here. Supporting her, putting her first, taking care of business AND your kid is pretty huge, and getting some counseling is a good idea.

Respecting her and her messed up hormones and giving her as much slack as possible is a good thing to do.

My wife is one of the most calm, cool and collected people you will ever meet, she's a lot like her dad. Enter pregnancy and childbirth related hormones. Man, I've seen some HUGE hormonal swings with my wife after she had our kids AND after she stopped nursing them. Even months later as things readjusted and settled down. Some of the hormonal swings weren't bad.

Work: Whether or not she works, she's gotta feel like you can take care of her. Tell her. Show her. Exude confidence, man!

Home: do everything you can around the house to lower her stress level and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Cowboy up, that's what testosterone is for. You can do anything if you have to, right?

Your kid: take care of your daughter at every opportunity, baby steps if you have to, to build up the trust level so your wife knows you can. I recall my wife barely letting me push my 2nd son (first bio) in a stroller, this is after FIVE YEARS of caring for our oldest kid (adopted); her hormones/protective mother instinct was off the chart. AND take care of your daughter so that your daughter knows you can. As funny as that sounds, once my boys knew that I could take care of them, they were a lot better for me (like when they were only days/weeks old). As they were better for me, my wife's confidence that her kids were "ok" when away from here helped with her stress. Honestly, it was pretty tough to convince her that somebody else on the planet loved her kids as much as she did. Or at least for her to play along with the idea.

Also, hormones aside, there's a lot of pressure on a young mom (and dad) and it can be overwhelming. There's a lot of pressure, especially here in Zion, to be the perfect little mommy. Some people put on a pretty good show, but that's all it is. Everyone has issues and doubts and problems. Everyone. Some big, some small, but they are still there.

My wife is a pretty smart gal, has a nursing degree, her mom's degree(s) were in child psych, youngsters and stuff like that, she ran a daycare which my wife grew up around and worked at, so she had a pretty good background of child rearing and yet she was and is still constantly reading stuff on raising kids, different view points, studies, etc, etc. (I would have just more or less bumbled through it). She and I have developed some approaches, ground rules, etc. But like they say, 0 kids, 4 theories. 4 kids, 0 theories. Our kids are 10, 14, 16 and 22 and so far so good, but not without many challenges navigating 4 completely different personalities and 3 different pregnancies with 3 different post-partum experiences. But so much better because of the research and study that my wife has done.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[Toad]

not trying to be a dick here, but you said child was born a year ago? you can still have PPD for a while but after a year it seems she might have other issues triggered by the PPD. you say "Talks about life would be easier if she was not here."; is she talking about the baby or herself? one of bigger symptoms of PPD is thought of harming the baby, totally horrible to think and even harder to admit you've done it. if it's her she thinks would be better if gone, then it's could be still PPD but may also be another issue like you've mentioned.
since she feels overwhelmed and inadequate, are you helping as much as possible? we all swing our dicks proudly and never admit to doing the dishes, BUT you need to swallow your pride and help out; even more than your share until she feels better.

also, try to get her out of the house if possible, small lunch plans, trips to store without baby. she might freak out that someone lese is taking her "responsiblity" but small trips leading up to a meal would help her ease her feelings.

since you know her well, you can figure out the best way to approach this. with my wife it was something we talked about before birth so it was eastablished and we had a game plan. even where things got thrown for a loop with some serious stuff, we knew what was up and had a game plan.

i don't know you so don't take offense, just thinking about how it was with my wife and i and how i was about it. and how i SHOULD have been about it looking back now.

Yes you are a dick! My wife and I had a nice long talk the night I posted this up. The main thing is she just needs more help. My wife stresses over everything. (I once told her some years back that she stresses enough for both of us.) I need to be more aware of her needs and do more to take some of the burden. Yes that means more dishes, more toilets, more cleaning. My wife is a neat freak so she stresses out if there is a dirty dish in the sink. We need to set time set aside for us. Date night kind of stuff. It was a late night night but it made a huge difference in her attitude just by getting everything off her chest. We are going to go play a little this weekend. Go out to dinner Friday night. Spend the night at her moms house in Elk Ridge. Then we a going to spend Saturday playing around out at the snakes. She has never been out there and she has not been jeeping since April last year.

Thanks for all of the tips and pointers.