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Warped Jokes

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rholbrook

Well-Known Member
Location
Kaysville, Ut
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.
So, I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile"and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."
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Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It provides me with everything I need: Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife
is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
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I was explaining to my wife last night that, when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
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My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod
after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked
if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
 
R

rholbrook

Well-Known Member
Location
Kaysville, Ut
I went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring, burping, and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My wife sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!"..... As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
 
R

rholbrook

Well-Known Member
Location
Kaysville, Ut
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on theroad.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably letyou try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....​
​
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun​
 
R

rholbrook

Well-Known Member
Location
Kaysville, Ut
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'
 
S

STAG

Well-Known Member
Super warped

image_zps288ecdeb.jpg
 
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