Making adult friends

[Pike2350]

I've been struggling with this for awhile, and figured I may as well post it.

Ive always been a little shy and have a hard time talking to new people.... mainly because i feel i don't have much to say and that most people aren't interested it anyway.

Lately I've struggled with it because I have no one wheel with anyway. Plus i haven't much time to wheel as it is..... but i realize if i want to do a quick last minute run i have no one to call. I have no one to share stories with, to plan trips with, etc.

I know i can post up here... but why i don't mind that, i get jealous of those on here with family and close friends that wheel with them....i have neither.

I also realized that while i have great friends, i really don't have many friends i spend time with. I have very few with similar family situations. Most have kids older and have more freedom then i do with a 10yr old part time and a 1 yr old full time. I also go back to not having major interests as most of my main group of friends.

I am not on social media, dirve a vehicle that is dead in America....i just feel isolated and don't know how to meet new friends as an adult.

Sorry, that's my stupid "rant" before bed.

 

[UNSTUCK]

I always thought it odd as a kid that my dad never really hung out with any friends. He was always just doing what we were doing. As an "adult" now with my own kids I have realized that my kids are the people I want to hang out with. My oldest is 14 so they are still a bit young, but I'm doing everything I can now so that in another 3-4 years they still want to hang out with me. It's been years since I have really gone out with a group of guys, other than my brothers a few times, and that's okay. I'd say take advantage of not being "free" with that 10 year old and make him/her your new best friend.

 

[Caleb]

You know, I've thought about this too. I don't hang out with anyone other than my wife and 9yr old son. I have good friends at work and I consider many on here to be good friends, but none of them would I call to go hang out, go wheeling, etc. When I had a dirt bike, there were a few I could text and arrange a ride, but I'm pretty anti-social and I'm good with that. I don't consider myself shy at all, but I bet most on here that have spent time around me will attest, I don't usually talk much. I'm not the type to talk just to talk, if I have something to say, I'll say it otherwise I'm good just observing. I killed my social media accounts as that's usually just people either talking to hear themselves talk, people lying trying to make their lives seem better than they are, or people that attract drama...none of which interests me. I enjoy video gaming a bit, but I have never played online even (despite constant invites by co-workers). Mostly because I don't care to be trashed talked by some 13yr old, but also because I'm anti-social and don't feel the need to.

I'm good with this, as Unstuck said, the people I want to be around is my wife and son and hopefully in a few years, my son still wants to hang around with his parents

 

[zmotorsports]

I kind of feel like UNSTUCK, my son was my #1 responsibility and the one I spent the most time with while he was growing up, next to my wife of course. From picking him up from school and going to either soccer or baseball practice I was with him a lot and then it turned into him spending more and more time with me in the shop. Now that he is older and moving on with his life I am feeling a bit of a void in mine but luckily I have a great relationship with my wife and we are looking forward to this new chapter in our life together.

As for friends, I have struggled over the years as well. I know many people still act like they are in high school but high school for me sucked. I hated it to no end and it couldn't get over fast enough. For me high school was a speed bump or a hindrance for me to get on with my life as I had plans and wanted to get on with it. I was not a popular person in school nor when I got out of school and I didn't really know where I fit in or with what group. I felt like I had to be defined somehow but it wasn't until I got out of school and got on with my life that I felt like I didn't need to fit in anywhere and I was fine just being me, even more so now that I am 50 years of age.

When I was drag racing and showing cars I made the mistake of getting into a local car club and basically what that turned out to be was nothing more than people wanting me to do work for them for free and I was trying to make friends and again, fit in. That was a mistake because I was being taken advantage of and was giving of myself and getting nothing in return other than people sucking the life and energy out of me.

My wife and I have unique hobbies compared to many people our age so we just go and do things by ourselves most of the time. I don't particularly enjoy wheeling by ourselves but I don't do well with other people's drama and all of the baggage that some people come with, plus we are at a different point in our life than most so it ends up usually just being the wife and I. We have found that the people we do seem to hang out with are retired and travel across the country in their RV's. Where we still work we go to as many rallies/gatherings as we can but due to our limited vacation time we have to pick and choose.

When the wife and I go do things it is usually just the two of us hopping in the coach, hooking the Jeep up and heading out somewhere to explore but there are times it would be more fun with another couple or in a small group. I did join a local Jeep club about 4 years ago with the thinking that we would meet some people similar to us that had RV's and Jeeps and liked to travel around Jeeping but for the most part that didn't turn out to be the case. We've gone on some day trips with the group and a couple of out of town trips but ultimately I think the wife and I are just an oddity in out old fashioned way of thinking and I've come to accept that.


Mike

 

[Hickey]

I can definitely empathize with this thread. I've struggled for the last decade because of my work schedule. But also because I hate stupid people.

 

[N-Smooth]

I have the same issue and it's a struggle for me. People grew up, had kids and we just started seeing less of each other. Then the ones we did see regularly ended up not being good friends so we no longer see them either. It's not fun and I realized that my friends were like family to me and they were a BIG part of my identity. Let me tell you that's a difficult thing to unpackage lol. It's cool though now I'm so busy doing stuff with my wife and kids that I notice less and less. My 6 y/o also tells me I'm his best buddy almost daily and that helps!

 

[jeeper]

I think we just have to shift our perspective a little as an adult. We don't have the same freedoms as we did in high school. We have jobs, families, mortgages to pay, things to fix, etc. Hanging out with friends just doesn't get a time slot in all we have to do.

However, I have started inviting some neighbors we'd like to get to know better out for ice cream. It's a short activity, so we are not committed to a long situation if we don't like them.. and if we have a good time, we can do it again, or go out to dinner with them. It's worked very well for a couple of families, and didn't work with others... but it has given us additional 'friends'.

 

[Hickey]

The kid phase of life definitely changes the game. You can get to the point where you're whole world is your kids... And then they become adults and that empty nest deal is suddenly a real thing that sucks in a new way. They suddenly have their own life and their own career and maybe even their own State that's different from yours.

Cherish that time with your kids. Take them camping, and teach them about dirt and lizards and big campfires and stupid human tricks. You'll really miss that when it's gone.

 

[zmotorsports]

The kid phase of life definitely changes the game. You can get to the point where you're whole world is your kids... And then they become adults and that empty nest deal is suddenly a real thing that sucks in a new way. They suddenly have their own life and their own career and maybe even their own State that's different from yours.

Cherish that time with your kids. Take them camping, and teach them about dirt and lizards and big campfires and stupid human tricks. You'll really miss that when it's gone.

This is hitting the wife and I right now. Our son is getting married and moving on with his life. I think I'm having a harder time with it than my wife. She is very ready for this next chapter in our life where I am having mixed emotions. I am proud of our son and his choices thus far in life but will miss that daily interaction with his as well.

I think his fiancé sees the interaction he and I have because when they were looking at houses she wanted to be somewhat close to us, yet not too close. I really appreciated that and think we will stay close as they get married and start their family but it will definitely be different and the wife and I will be doing many more things alone. It will take some getting used to as I have also relied on my son quite a bit in the shop for various things. Then again I think once they get settled into their marriage and routine they will still be around because he still has a lot of projects in our shop that he wants to complete and work on. I do look forward to those times ahead as well. I think all of that time and fun we had when he was younger will pay off as he gets older because he will still want to come around and I look forward to when they start having kids and want my wife and I involved in our grandkid's lives.

We went out to dinner with some friends from about 15 years ago over the weekend. It was fun and we had some laughs but we are at different points in our lives and we don't have hardly any commonalities like we did when we were snowmobiling years ago. We are heavily involved in RV'ing and Jeeping and they sold their ATV's and motorhome and have a cabin now. They also had kids later in life and are neck deep in the all of the extra-curricular activities with their kids like we were 15-20 years ago.

Mike

 

[Gravy]

"They do not cease to play because they grow old, they grow old because they cease to play."

NEVER GROW UP, IT'S A TRICK!

I've watched my (little) kids start to make friends, and I wish we as adults were as easily entreated as them.

Do you all remember that one special aunt or uncle in your life as a child who you thought was really cool? I've come to realize that to most interesting person I know is the most interested person I know.

I believe friendship is defined differently in different stages of life.
I'm glad you guys are my friends.

 

[ID Bronco]

My situation is similar but a little different I guess. I have 5 children, 4 are still at home. I love doing things with them, but we haven't ever been the family that does one sport or activity every single night/weekend of the year. Many families revolve around the kids activities. That is great for them, my brother is like that and basketball takes up 90% of his time and money. That's cool. My kids haven't been into organized sports heavily, probably because I don't love them and make them a priority. Because of that we have camped, wheeled, hunted, fished, rode dirt bikes, ect. These activities are normally more loner type activities. That being said, I like hanging out with other guys. I like fishing better when there is some one else to talk to. Many of the activities are safer with two adults. My wife isn't very outdoorsey, so she rarely wants to participate in these activities. I take my kids all the time. It's tons more work but I love them and want to be with them. That being said, it's tough to handle 5 fly lines in the water, or to kill anything with 4 kids making noise and wiggling. My kids have very different interests. So usually I only have one or two who can or want to go on any one outing.

Again, I like having buddies with like interests that I can do a few trips with when I want to get serious and actually challenge myself in an activity. So I have a few friends that I go fishing and hunting with. Sometimes we both bring kids and other times we sneak away when they are in school and we just go on our own. I don't think there is anything wrong with spending a little time with other adults and buds. I think other adult interaction is important. I love having discussions with them about work, finances, fatherhood, being a good husband, and a million other things that I deal with and don't always have the best answers for.
Most of these friends I meet at church, or by joining a club. I had a great core group of friends from the local off road club for a few years. It was awesome, but everyone faded away gradually. I still see some of them, but I miss those days, our families all meshed really well.

I think guy time is important to a balanced life for me, sometimes these activities help me clear my head and relive some stress so I can go home and be a better dad and husband.

It sounds like you want some guy time with others with similar interests, I say go to a club, or an event that you are interested in and you will find many others in your same situation that would like to get together for an adventure once in a while.

 

[Pike2350]

I get the kid thing.... and did/do that to some degree. Where i struggle with it now is that I'm a part time dad. Having a child only on Wed and every other weekend is hard. Now that shes 10 and not really interested in anything i have going on it gets a bit tougher. When she was younger, she wad a daddy's girl and we did all kinds of stuff.... now she's interested in Barbie's, dolls and such..... aand had little interest in wheeling, camping, etc. Plus, unfortunately, my wife, who loves my daughter dearly has a hard time with her because she is a 10 yr old and my wife, being an only child doesn't understand how kids really are. Now that we have a 1 yr old, she parents them very differently. Im ok with that, but I feel she's been on my older daughters case anout a lot of little things I write of as kid stuff. Not having your kids into things you are doesn't always make for the most fun.... especially when there is that underlying tension of annoyance from the wife.

I wish we had friends in similar situations...... but my wife has a best friend with a 1yr old... but she's single so no spouse/partner for me to associate with.

My wife likes wheeling, but had been annoyed the few times my daughter came along because she was showing off and needing attention. My 1yr old, she wouldn't take because she didn't want to deal with naps, cranky baby, and felt she was too young to be safe. Hopefully this year will be better, but i guess we'll see.

I come from a bigger family so I'm used to being around people and really enjoy having those close relationships.... it's just surprising how much more difficult it is to make those as you age.

 

[smartass_kid]

i am in the same boat but have found some good people through meetup.com, i always recommend it.
my soccer group on there is awesome and i have made some good friends that i hung out with outside of soccer.
my Ex GF is also on there for her hiking groups and i know she enjoyed it alot.

there are tons of articles out there about the loneliness of middle aged men and how we learn from an early age to be reclusive and not grow relationships. i believe being a divorced father also makes things harder.

 

[zmotorsports]

My father isn't known for his advice giving. However, he gave me advice many years ago that I really took to heart. He said, if you want to find people that enjoy what you do, you have to do what you like with others who are interested in the same. At the time I was struggling with girlfriends hating that I'd be prepping a drag car until 2am instead of going out on dates or they'd be furious that I'd come home late on a summer night from mountain biking or an afternoon out on the lake, wiped out from the day.

Same thing is true, here.

Makes perfect sense Brent. When my wife and I were dating she would bring me dinner many times while I was working late getting ready for a race or whatever and so she was well aware of who/what I was. She wasn't trying to get me to fit a mold or change me unlike the girlfriend I had previously. There's a lot to be said about being around like minded people. My wife of 30 years now isn't one to wrench with me and I wouldn't expect her to, but she understands and accepts me for me because I have always been that way. I like that she likes the things I do and we enjoy doing them together.

Mike

 

[Houndoc]

Obviously a common feeling!

I think as adults it does take a real effort to meet new people and develop friendships.

Besides groups such as RME, consider joining an organization that isn't web based.

I have been a member of Rotary (a serviced based organization that has members in about 200 countries.) It is local based with clubs in most communities. Has been a great way to meet some great people. Each club has a different personality and it is okay to visit a few until you find the right fit.

Considering attending meetings of that or a similar organization.

 

[mesha]

I appreciate you bringing this up. I am sure there are a whole bunch of people in the same boat as you(my wife, sister, and mom).

My wife and I both grew up in the same area we currently live in so we had a ton of friends from school. The group has evolved though and we hang out with pretty much none of them. We have grown apart from some, some have moved away, others we still hang out with occasionally. It is weird to think about those people that we hung out with almost every night for years. We now see most of them a couple times a year. We had to make new friends.

One thing to remember is people like to be thought of. So even if you invite an person you don't know that well to go grab a burger and they can't ,for whatever reason, they will think it is cool that you invited them. If you are worried about not having anything cool to say then invite them to a place you don't have to talk like a movie. Would you be offended if a guy down the street said, "Hey, I noticed you have a face. I do too, let's go get a sandwich."? Even said super creepy like that you would get the point and would probably go get a sandwich.

We occasionally will do something like a BBQ or a campfire in the back yard and invite a bunch of people over. Some we don't even know. I went door to door and invited my neighbors. A few came, most didn't, but now I have a couple more people I can hang out with. One of the couple that came were empty nesters that are 30 years older than us (we have kids 10 and 13). We really dig those oldies. Now each time they are outside we can talk to them and swap stories about places they have travelled.

All that being said, I have an outgoing personality and so knocking on my neighbors door isn't a big deal. Many people think that is a crazy idea though. My wife can't understand why that stuff doesn't bother me. Depending on your personality you might have to find a different way to invite people to do something. Leave fliers or something?

Not everyone gets along and some people you don't need to talk to a second time Some of them will be cool though.

 

[Greg]

I've had a great time on the RME monthly trips, meeting people that I interact with on here, but finally get to meet face to face and chat is what it's all about. We already have similar interests, getting out wheelin' is always a good time, you don't HAVE to befriend everyone, but it's nice to meet the guy that you've been interacting with online.

It would be real fun to plan some low-key multi-day camping/4x4 trips and really get to know others better. My biggest hangup is that I'm not outgoing, so that makes for a fun challenge...

 

[N-Smooth]

Tell you what, the Delta Classic Rock Crawl is a great way to make friends and it happens to be next weekend.
Really though I have met a ton of people while rock crawling- on the trails or at competitions. Not all of them end up being friends I see often but when I run into them I will still talk to them for a long time. It's awesome!

 

[Herzog]

My biggest hangup is that I'm not outgoing, so that makes for a fun challenge...

Same here!

 

[moab_cj5]

As has been written, many adults struggle with growing older and lives changing. I haven't met anyone that doesn't struggle, at least a little, with balancing friends/family/work/interests/alone time/etc with changes in life. We mature (some do anyway, my wife would likely say I haven't) and interests change. Friends grow apart, and adult responsibility can get in the way of interests and hobbies. Time, and money, become limiting factors and obstacles for many people to step outside the norm they settle into, and change can be scary and hard. I don't LOVE meeting new people, and like many have expressed, consider myself somewhat anti-social, but I realize I have to make an effort to achieve the goals and desires I have. I am the only one with true influence over my life.

For the longest time I only wheeled and camped with my dad and BIL or alone. Wanting to do more than their schedules have allowed, and wanting to share the memories with someone else, I looked for more people with similar interests. I met some great people here on RME, but also on another local forum, and I eventually joined a local off-road club. I now have great friends that share common interests that I get to hang with from time to time. We don't get together weekly, or even monthly, but by being in the groups I am in, I find out about trips and can work to fit them in my schedule. I also plan and lead trips for the various groups I am in, and that helps me meet even more people. As I have aged, I find I have more fun when I have someone to share the stories and memories with.

Through my journey, I have wheeled with folks that have I have since developed great friendships with. I have met people through other people, that have introduced me to other people, that I now consider friends. I have wheeled with folks I don't care for too, and I haven't made any effort to contact or spend time with them after. No harm, no foul, people are just different. In my work life I have to get along with everyone; in my personal life I get to choose who I spend my time with.

Like many have stated, kids grow and relationships change. I have an 18 yo son leaving the house in about a month. That will be tough, but exciting! Having our kids be our friends, lose interest in spending time with dad, be our friend again, then leave the house for their own life is a challenge! I have a great relationship with my dad, but remember going through this cycle as a kid. Kids need to find themselves too, and make their own identity. Sometimes that is sharing many common interests, sometimes that isn't sharing many common interests. It can be difficult to bond with a child that has different interests. My solution has been to invite my kids to do my activities with me (occasionally against their will ), but I try to do something with them that they like too. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it sucks. That is part of life to me.

I am a firm believer in taking control of ones destiny, and attitude makes all the difference. If I want to go wheeling, I plan a trip and make invitations (usually posting the invite on a forum or in my club). If no one comes, oh well, I tried, and I still get to take an awesome trip (sometimes I still like to be alone). If just a few come, great! I might make some new friends! If a ton of people come, there are pluses and minuses to that too, but you still might make some great friendships with like minded people. If it is an awesome experience, do it again! If it is hell on earth for you, learn from it, and don't repeat. You won't know either way though, until you try.

Like almost everything in life, effort and initiative are the biggest contributors to success or failure. By writing your post, you have taken one step. Now there are a few more you have to take to find what you are looking for. Keep an eye out for clubs and events that interest you, then go to something!

Some ideas:
-https://www.rme4x4.com/threads/rme-may-trip-price-ut.116109/
-Delta Classic Rock Crawl
-ExpeditionUtah.com
-WasatchCruisers.org
-Facebook groups (BOAR, UTOR, UTAT, Jeep Crew, etc) just to name a few

Hope to see the OP, and you other guys, on the trail or at a social sometime!