• RME Gear & Apparel

Lame Joke Thread

I

ivantalk

Member
jeeper said:
Working at the cemetery, I bet I heard that one 5 times a day.


I really liked working there, but I had to quit because it was a dead end job.

They threw me a going away party when I left, but it wasn’t very lively.

I used to work there with @SLC97SR5. We'd always race to work. Neither of us won.. we are still waiting to see who comes in dead last though.
Click to expand...

You can't be serious, lol. I will never accept a job in a cemetery where I will be surrounded by the dead. :oops:👻
 
Kevin B.

Kevin B.

Not often wrong. Never quite right.
Moderator
Location
Stinkwater
A man is on holiday, driving a car down a road in the scenic British countryside. He passes many beautiful houses, fields full of a variety of animals, trees and flowers. Being the nice day that it is, the man decides to explore more of the countryside, and finds himself in a very strange place. There are no cars, and no sign of houses, or any people to say the least. Suddenly, the car begins to stutter and shake. The engine begins to hum in an odd way, as if struggling to drive the car forward. Then the engine stopped with the sound of a clank. The man, although confused and a bit shocked, calmy reaches for his phone to call his roadside rescue. Being a British countryside, the man discovers his phone to read "No service..."

The man, trying to be sensible decides to walk in hopes of finding someone who can help. "A house" he thinks to himself, "I'll look for a house, someone can call a mechanic from their landline." The man begins to walk at a leisurely pace in hopes of finding a smidge of civilisation. He walks and walks for 20 minutes until he sees an old, but well looked-after house in the middle of nowhere. No chimney, no windows and no garden. The only thing the house had to show for itself was a dark brown wooden gate with fencing around the borders of the house. "What an unusual house!" The man said as he walked up to the big door. He knocks on the door and barely has any time to take his hand off the door before 3 monks, finely dressed greet him. "Hello, Brother, how may we be of assistance to you?" One of the monks asks before bowing politely and warmly. "Hello, I'm having a bit of trouble, my car has broken down and I need to call a mechanic, do you have a telephone I could borrow?" The man replies "My most sincere apologies, Brother, but we believe that telephones are a distraction from God's beautiful world, and as such do not possess a telephone." The man starts to look disheveled. He looks at his watch at notices it is nearly 7pm. It begins to rain lightly before progressing into heaving rain. The rumbling of thunder can be heard in the background. "Brother, it is getting late, may I suggest that you proceed on your journey tomorrow, and stay in our humble abode. Brother Eric here will prepare you a bed if you would like?" The main monk suggests. The man looks back at the abismal weather behind him and agrees gratefully "My greatest of thanks, I very much appreciate it." He says. One monk replies "We are all God's creatures, Brother and we are taught to love thy neighbour. We will take you to the nearest village at 8am tomorrow, and there you will find a mechanic for your car." The man smiles and has a relaxing evening before retiring to a cosy, warm bed. He falls asleep to the sound of Soothing Chanting and choir music.

Later that night, the man wakes up to the sound of faint sounds in the distance. Being the curious man that he is, the man decides to get dressed, leave his room, go down stairs to where the sounds are louder. These sounds are the most beautiful sounds the man has ever heard. The man, although not religious, feels impeccably close to God. His heart starts racing and dazzling feelings of tranquility flow through him. The man begins to cry at the level of serenity he feels. This sound is beyond the supernatural and he walks closer and closer, listening to the source of the sound. He eventually isolates the sound to a door in the basement. The man is now crying heavily as the beautiful sounds kiss his ears. Then all of a sudden the sounds stop. The man, feeling tired decides to go back to bed in hopes that the sounds to start again. Having waited for two hours, the man falls asleep. At breakfast the man is eating with the other monks and all of a sudden, a monk enters the room and says: "Brother, we are ready to lead you to the village where you will find a mechanic." The man finishes his breakfast and walks out of the house and is given many handshakes as all the monks say their goodbyes.

The man and one of the monks walk for 40 minutes. They talk about the meaning of life, how the monks joined the brotherhood and why, until they cross a small village. "You will find a mechanic in this building. I wish you well, Brother. You are most welcome to stay with us again. We don't get many visitors and greatly appreciate the company." As the monk begins to turn away the man says "Wait! I have to know about the sounds...I heard sounds. Beautiful sounds. Sounds I have never heard before. What were they? I must know" "Brother" the monks replies, "I cannot tell you, as you have to be a monk to know the source of the divine sounds." The man, somewhat disappointed lets the monk on his way back and leads the mechanic by his pickup truck back to the broken down car at the side of the road. "Oh, it was just the gasket there you see? It should be fine now" the mechanic says. The engine starts perfectly. The man drives home and tells his family of his travels, the monks and the divine sound like no other.

2 years past since the day the man broke down and on his travels again, he decides to go back and greet the monks. Again, he knocks on the door and is greeted by the welcoming and friendly monks who exclaim, "Brother! It is so good to see you." The monks and the man exchange complimentaries and the man is invited to stay again. Excited by the prospect of hearing the sound again, the man agrees happily. Sure enough, later that night, the man woke to the beautiful sounds of 2 years ago. The man goes back to the place where the sound had come from last time, down the stairs in the basement. This time the sounds did not stop. The man began to cry heavily at the warm feelings of serenity and peace.

The man HAS to know what is making these sounds. The man wants to know what, or who could be making such beautiful sounds. The man knocks on the large wooden door. All of a sudden, the sounds stop and 5 monks appear from behind it. "Brother? Can we assist you in any way?" One monk says. The man, still dazzled by the sounds still ringing sweetly in his ears stutters "The-the s-s-sounds...w-what were those beautiful, beautiful sounds? I must know." The monks then look at each other until one of them says "Brother, my apologies but you must be a monk to know the source of the sounds, you must become one of--" "I'll do whatever it takes. Those are the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard in my life." The man interjects.

"It is very hard to become a monk, Brother, are you sure you want to become a monk?" "I am positive, I must know the source of the sounds." "To become a monk you must do these two things: count how many blades of grass there are in the world, and count how many grains of sand there are in the world."

The man, determined accepts and travels the world in order to count the blades of grass in the world. He starts in China and counts west all the way back to China. He writes it down. Then he counts every grain of sand in the world, starting in Cornwall and travelling East all the way back to Cornwall. He then writes the number down. It has taken many many years but the man, filling with excitement travels back to the house with no windows and no chimney, and tells the main monk he has competed his tasks. "How many blades of grass are there?" The man takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and says "377,832,728,191" "Correct, Brother, and how many grains of sand" "91,967,846,853,612" "Congratulations, Brother, you are now a monk." "So can I know what the sounds are now?!" The man exclaims in excitement. "Meet us down at the door in the basement at midnight tonight"

The man doesn't sleep that night. He stays awake in excitement knowing HE is finally going to know the source of those sounds, angelic and divine. The man is shaking in his new robes given to him by the monks. Then, the sounds starts, just as before, and the man begins to well up and cry in happiness. The clocks strikes 12. He remembers how the other monks had said "you have to be a monk" well now he WAS a monk, it was time for him to know the answer. The man runs to the door he had once gone to and it greeted by three of the monks. "Brother, in here you will discover the source of these beautiful sounds follow the door through."

The man opens the wooden door to reveal a bronze heavy door. The noises and sounds get slightly more audible and louder. The man opens the bronze door to reveal a silver door. The man gasps in excitement and amazement. The man opens the silver door to reveal golden door, that shows the man's face of shock. The man opens the golden door to reveal a door made completely out of diamond. The man is amazed by brightness of the door and the sounds become even more prominent. The man cries heavily in happiness. The man opens the diamond door to reveal a wooden door with a sign that reads "the secret behind the sounds". The door creaks open as the man turns the old, worn handle. There, he sees a room with a solid metal door. The man pushes on it with force and it slowly but surely opens wide to reveal a door, black as night. This door seems to be the source of the sounds.

The man takes a deep breath and says to himself "This is it! I'm about to learn the secret of the beautiful, divine sounds. I have counted every blade of grass and every grain of sand to know the source of this sound. It was worth every year of my life, and here I am!" The man, nervous, opens the door slowly, and indeed this is the source of the sound. The sounds intensify and bring the man to his knees in joy and tranquility. The man weeps in joy as he sees the source of the sound.

I wish I could tell you what it was. But you're not a monk.
 
jeeper

jeeper

I live my life 1 dumpster at a time
Location
So Jo, Ut
Kevin B. said:
A man is on holiday, driving a car down a road in the scenic British countryside. He passes many beautiful houses, fields full of a variety of animals, trees and flowers. Being the nice day that it is, the man decides to explore more of the countryside, and finds himself in a very strange place. There are no cars, and no sign of houses, or any people to say the least. Suddenly, the car begins to stutter and shake. The engine begins to hum in an odd way, as if struggling to drive the car forward. Then the engine stopped with the sound of a clank. The man, although confused and a bit shocked, calmy reaches for his phone to call his roadside rescue. Being a British countryside, the man discovers his phone to read "No service..."

The man, trying to be sensible decides to walk in hopes of finding someone who can help. "A house" he thinks to himself, "I'll look for a house, someone can call a mechanic from their landline." The man begins to walk at a leisurely pace in hopes of finding a smidge of civilisation. He walks and walks for 20 minutes until he sees an old, but well looked-after house in the middle of nowhere. No chimney, no windows and no garden. The only thing the house had to show for itself was a dark brown wooden gate with fencing around the borders of the house. "What an unusual house!" The man said as he walked up to the big door. He knocks on the door and barely has any time to take his hand off the door before 3 monks, finely dressed greet him. "Hello, Brother, how may we be of assistance to you?" One of the monks asks before bowing politely and warmly. "Hello, I'm having a bit of trouble, my car has broken down and I need to call a mechanic, do you have a telephone I could borrow?" The man replies "My most sincere apologies, Brother, but we believe that telephones are a distraction from God's beautiful world, and as such do not possess a telephone." The man starts to look disheveled. He looks at his watch at notices it is nearly 7pm. It begins to rain lightly before progressing into heaving rain. The rumbling of thunder can be heard in the background. "Brother, it is getting late, may I suggest that you proceed on your journey tomorrow, and stay in our humble abode. Brother Eric here will prepare you a bed if you would like?" The main monk suggests. The man looks back at the abismal weather behind him and agrees gratefully "My greatest of thanks, I very much appreciate it." He says. One monk replies "We are all God's creatures, Brother and we are taught to love thy neighbour. We will take you to the nearest village at 8am tomorrow, and there you will find a mechanic for your car." The man smiles and has a relaxing evening before retiring to a cosy, warm bed. He falls asleep to the sound of Soothing Chanting and choir music.

Later that night, the man wakes up to the sound of faint sounds in the distance. Being the curious man that he is, the man decides to get dressed, leave his room, go down stairs to where the sounds are louder. These sounds are the most beautiful sounds the man has ever heard. The man, although not religious, feels impeccably close to God. His heart starts racing and dazzling feelings of tranquility flow through him. The man begins to cry at the level of serenity he feels. This sound is beyond the supernatural and he walks closer and closer, listening to the source of the sound. He eventually isolates the sound to a door in the basement. The man is now crying heavily as the beautiful sounds kiss his ears. Then all of a sudden the sounds stop. The man, feeling tired decides to go back to bed in hopes that the sounds to start again. Having waited for two hours, the man falls asleep. At breakfast the man is eating with the other monks and all of a sudden, a monk enters the room and says: "Brother, we are ready to lead you to the village where you will find a mechanic." The man finishes his breakfast and walks out of the house and is given many handshakes as all the monks say their goodbyes.

The man and one of the monks walk for 40 minutes. They talk about the meaning of life, how the monks joined the brotherhood and why, until they cross a small village. "You will find a mechanic in this building. I wish you well, Brother. You are most welcome to stay with us again. We don't get many visitors and greatly appreciate the company." As the monk begins to turn away the man says "Wait! I have to know about the sounds...I heard sounds. Beautiful sounds. Sounds I have never heard before. What were they? I must know" "Brother" the monks replies, "I cannot tell you, as you have to be a monk to know the source of the divine sounds." The man, somewhat disappointed lets the monk on his way back and leads the mechanic by his pickup truck back to the broken down car at the side of the road. "Oh, it was just the gasket there you see? It should be fine now" the mechanic says. The engine starts perfectly. The man drives home and tells his family of his travels, the monks and the divine sound like no other.

2 years past since the day the man broke down and on his travels again, he decides to go back and greet the monks. Again, he knocks on the door and is greeted by the welcoming and friendly monks who exclaim, "Brother! It is so good to see you." The monks and the man exchange complimentaries and the man is invited to stay again. Excited by the prospect of hearing the sound again, the man agrees happily. Sure enough, later that night, the man woke to the beautiful sounds of 2 years ago. The man goes back to the place where the sound had come from last time, down the stairs in the basement. This time the sounds did not stop. The man began to cry heavily at the warm feelings of serenity and peace.

The man HAS to know what is making these sounds. The man wants to know what, or who could be making such beautiful sounds. The man knocks on the large wooden door. All of a sudden, the sounds stop and 5 monks appear from behind it. "Brother? Can we assist you in any way?" One monk says. The man, still dazzled by the sounds still ringing sweetly in his ears stutters "The-the s-s-sounds...w-what were those beautiful, beautiful sounds? I must know." The monks then look at each other until one of them says "Brother, my apologies but you must be a monk to know the source of the sounds, you must become one of--" "I'll do whatever it takes. Those are the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard in my life." The man interjects.

"It is very hard to become a monk, Brother, are you sure you want to become a monk?" "I am positive, I must know the source of the sounds." "To become a monk you must do these two things: count how many blades of grass there are in the world, and count how many grains of sand there are in the world."

The man, determined accepts and travels the world in order to count the blades of grass in the world. He starts in China and counts west all the way back to China. He writes it down. Then he counts every grain of sand in the world, starting in Cornwall and travelling East all the way back to Cornwall. He then writes the number down. It has taken many many years but the man, filling with excitement travels back to the house with no windows and no chimney, and tells the main monk he has competed his tasks. "How many blades of grass are there?" The man takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and says "377,832,728,191" "Correct, Brother, and how many grains of sand" "91,967,846,853,612" "Congratulations, Brother, you are now a monk." "So can I know what the sounds are now?!" The man exclaims in excitement. "Meet us down at the door in the basement at midnight tonight"

The man doesn't sleep that night. He stays awake in excitement knowing HE is finally going to know the source of those sounds, angelic and divine. The man is shaking in his new robes given to him by the monks. Then, the sounds starts, just as before, and the man begins to well up and cry in happiness. The clocks strikes 12. He remembers how the other monks had said "you have to be a monk" well now he WAS a monk, it was time for him to know the answer. The man runs to the door he had once gone to and it greeted by three of the monks. "Brother, in here you will discover the source of these beautiful sounds follow the door through."

The man opens the wooden door to reveal a bronze heavy door. The noises and sounds get slightly more audible and louder. The man opens the bronze door to reveal a silver door. The man gasps in excitement and amazement. The man opens the silver door to reveal golden door, that shows the man's face of shock. The man opens the golden door to reveal a door made completely out of diamond. The man is amazed by brightness of the door and the sounds become even more prominent. The man cries heavily in happiness. The man opens the diamond door to reveal a wooden door with a sign that reads "the secret behind the sounds". The door creaks open as the man turns the old, worn handle. There, he sees a room with a solid metal door. The man pushes on it with force and it slowly but surely opens wide to reveal a door, black as night. This door seems to be the source of the sounds.

The man takes a deep breath and says to himself "This is it! I'm about to learn the secret of the beautiful, divine sounds. I have counted every blade of grass and every grain of sand to know the source of this sound. It was worth every year of my life, and here I am!" The man, nervous, opens the door slowly, and indeed this is the source of the sound. The sounds intensify and bring the man to his knees in joy and tranquility. The man weeps in joy as he sees the source of the sound.

I wish I could tell you what it was. But you're not a monk.
Click to expand...
I skipped to the end... I'm assuming that was the right choice. ;)
 
glockman

glockman

I hate Jeep trucks
Location
Pleasant Grove
Two soldiers are sitting at their post when they see what appears to be a tree in the desert. They look closer and it appears to be a bacon tree. They both confirm the appearance and are baffled but very hungry. They decide one of them will walk to the tree and verify it is indeed a bacon tree and then signal for the other to come if it checks out.
The first soldier walks down the hill and over a slight rise. The soldier waiting hears what sounds like gun shots and then sees the first running back up the hill. He then starts waving his arms and screems, "we were wrong, it's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush".
 
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