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Lame Joke Thread

Here is my addition (stolen from another place on the interweb obviously )
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

~~~~~~

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

~~~~~~

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

~~~~~~

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

~~~~~~

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

~~~~~~

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? 'And a voice said 'You are.'

~~~~~~

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

~~~~~~

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

~~~~~~

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

~~~~~~

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

~~~~~~

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

~~~~~~

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

~~~~~~

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
 
DOSS said:
Here is my addition (stolen from another place on the interweb obviously )
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

~~~~~~

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

~~~~~~

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

~~~~~~

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

~~~~~~

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

~~~~~~

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

~~~~~~

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? 'And a voice said 'You are.'

~~~~~~

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

~~~~~~

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

~~~~~~

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

~~~~~~

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

~~~~~~

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

~~~~~~

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

~~~~~~

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
Click to expand...

Is this Stevie Griffin?
 
^ you aren't an idiot I am for thinking that is super funny. I used to spend my time in chemistry making up words using atomic numbers from the periodic table.

6+2+[(25)-(7)]+99+[(81)-(53)]+[(45)-(1)]+39
53+16
31+39 or 57+[(25)-(7)]+[(10)-(7)]

WOW I am a nerd.(I might have my [ and () set up wrong though.
 
I feel like I am using a little orphan annie secret decoder ring.

be sure to drink you ovaltine!
 
Why was the T-rex so mad?









because he is happy and he knows it, but he can't clap his hands.
 
what is black and white, black and white, black and white?

a penguin rolling down a hill.

wow that stunk:eek:
 
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